Oppositional Paperhangers

Why is it when you're slim and trim folks say: "Oh well, you could stand to gain a bit of weight."

But then, when you follow their advice and put on a few pounds, they want to know when you're going on a diet.

And have you noticed? The same thing goes for drinking. Folks nag you for years that you drink too much. So OK. They're probably right. Now you're sober as a judge and feeling great. No more hangovers.

And it's New Year's Eve. They fill your glass with champagne to toast in the New Years.

"Hold it. Back up there partner. I don't drink. Remember?"

"Oh well, you can have one or two, it won't hurt you."

Bullshit.

Had a brother-in-law once. Heck of a nice fellow. My sister's last husband. Used to follow me around at parties. In those years, I wore stiletto heels, so carrying a full champagne glass around was hazardous to carpets. When the hostess wasn't looking he'd switch glasses with me. His was always empty, mine was always full. I thought he was a dear for rescuing me from embarrassment.

"What are you drinking, dear?"
"I don't drink."
"Oh sure you do. What'll you have?"
"I'll pass. Thanks."
"Oh just this once. Here's some champagne."

Yep. That brother-in-law was a dear. Too bad he had to go and kick the bucket. As I recall, he was a chain smoker. He'd sure come in handy now. For haven't I just managed to quit smoking and how much you wanta bet some idiot will say: "Ah c'mon now, one little ole cig won't hurt you."
Oppositional Paperhangers © 2006 Chaeli Lee Sullivan