Hip Lips

Sufferin' Murgatroyd! What will they think of next? Can you believe it? Those cosmetic guys are promoting needles! Syringes, too! Holey Moley, is all the world topsy-turvey?

Let me say, right up front, needles are not my bag. The closest I've come to one was back in '78 when I magnanimously offered to sew a ripped seam on my son's baseball shirt. When the job was finished, I handed him the shirt. He took one look at it and said: "If I have to wear that, I'll quit the team."

A few years back, I teased a co-worker. He had this habit of smacking his lips together when he wanted attention so I needled him about it.

Shouldn't have done that. He started smoking. Developed quite a talent for blowing smoke rings which circled noses. Those darn rings clung to the targeted nose all day. They were better than a mood ring for changing colors. The peaceful secretary's nose wore a blue ring. The boss's was red. Mine was an ugly shade of puce.

Our co-worker? Wore a Cheshire grin.

Yep. Needles and I don't get along. Not at all. They're too closely related to syringes and everyone knows a syringe means —HOSPITAL. If you're wealthy and can afford health insurance, hospitals might be a relaxing tonic. All those beautiful nurses pampering a patient's every need.

But the average Joe? Can he afford health insurance? Heck. A quick glance at the hospital bill is more than he can afford. Cause when he discovers he's been shafted for paying cash, charged four times more for the same treatment than the fellow with insurance — he'll have a coronary. And who's going to pay the undertaker's bill?

Yep. Needles, syringes, hospitals and long black hearses with a parade following behind aren't for me.

So what's with the cosmetic industry promoting needles? Have they teamed up with the pharmaceutical companies? Or do they have a take-over bid brewing on the back burner?

Will banner headlines soon read: "Fusion Beauty Takes-Over Merck"?

Their advertising hype reads like its straight out of a mechanic's manual. "Powerful combination of 2X micro-injected pure collagen™ plus micro-injected hyaluronic acid™ in one high-performance topical treatment."

Fusion Beauty is fine-turning a souped-up race car for the Daytona 500 competition, right?

Not exactly. Seems cosmetic companies are trying to give us fuller, firmer, sexier lips for competition of an entirely different nature. It's a simple procedure. The cosmetic mechanics fatten lips with syringe injections called — PLUMPERS!

Sheeska! They think I can stick to my diet and use plumpers?

Speaking of diets, it's obvious that this new fad was devised by some bright executive in cosmetic's management who engineered a dramatic method to increase sales. He has a 2-step game plan.

Today, he sells the allure of plump lips. Micro-injected hyaluronic acid™. Syringe. Needles. The whole Kit and Kaboodle.

Tomorrow, he sells diet pills especially designed to reduce fat, fleshy lips. The active ingredient in the new lip diet will sound a lot like dehyaluronic acid™.

What a marketing genius, eh?

If you have thin lips, are bored, have plenty of change jingling around in your pocket, and have no pressing engagements for the next six months, you might want to get aboard this merry-go-round.

Me? I hate sharp, pointy objects. Am allergic to syringes. So! When I'm overwhelmed by desire to indulge a bulge of plump lips, well . . . I'll just kiss my husband. Maybe, bussing his fat smacking lips will interrupt his smoking habit and get rid of those *#^@&*!* puce-colored smoke rings.

Unless, of course, I decide to needle him about his smackers.
Hip Lips © 2006 Chaeli Lee Sullivan