Simpson Noetic

"Mmmm . . . ."

About says it all, doesn't it? Apparently, that's the only intelligent word needed today.

"Mmmm . . . . "

With that single utterance, if your name is Simpson, you can become TV's longest-running animated series, make a fortune selling Simpson paraphernalia, become the focus of several books and grace the syllabus of, at least, two colleges. Probably more.

"Mmmm . . . . "

Amazing.

And it's equally amazing that folks can remember the names of all five members of the Simpson family! Gadzooks. There are times when I have difficulty remembering the five names of my own family.

22 percent of Americans can name all five family members of a cartoon. Now aren't they smart! Many of those can name the Simpson's three-eyed fish. Brilliant. And can they name the five freedoms guaranteed in the First Amendment of our Constitution?

Nope! Only one in a thousand can do that.

It's the stuff of comedy, right? Or so an interviewer of a recent survey thought. Let's see. Here's a sound track from the interview:

Interviewer: "We're giving away a free book of the Simpson's famous quotes today, if you would answer a few questions first. Would you like us to send you the book?"

John Q. Public: "YES! I'd love to impress my friends with real knowledge like that."

Interviewer: "Are you an American?"

John Q. Public: "I SURE AM! And proud of it. Have Old Glory waving proud and free on the flagpole in my front yard."

Interviewer: "Alrighty then. If you could just tell me what the five freedoms listed in the First Amendment of our Constitution are?"

John Q. Public: "Well, I know the right to own my pet is one of them. So, that's one. And I can raise it in my own home. So that must be the second freedom."

Interviewer: "Can you think of any more?"

John Q. Public: "Yeah. Actually, I can. The right to drive is in the First Amendment."

Interviewer: "Any more?"

John Q. Public: "Pleading the 5th is in the First Amendment."

Interviewer: "Pleading the 5th?"

John Q. Public: "You know. It's that bit about self-incriminations. At a trial, see. Bosses from the mob say it all the time. "I plead the 5th." That's in the First Amendment."

Interviewer: "OK, so that's four. Can you think of more?"

John Q. Public: "Do I get my Simpson book if I can't name the other one?"

Interviewer: "Sure. I'll send it right out to you. Say, you're an adult, right?"

John Q. Public: "Yeah. Turned forty last year."

Interviewer: "OK. That wraps it up. Thanks. And I'll get that book in the mail this afternoon."

Think I'm joking? In a Jan. 20-22, 2006 survey conducted by Synovate, an independent market research firm, for McCormick Tribune Freedom Museum:
21 percent of adult Americans believed the right to own a pet was guaranteed by the First Amendment.
38 percent believed that somehow the 5th Amendment was actually part of the First Amendment.
And 1 in 5 people thought the "right" to drive a motorized vehicle was also a guaranteed freedom of the First Amendment.

Which leads a body to speculate that, in this day and age, what it means to be an American can be summed up by Marge Simpson: "If you raise three children who can knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right."

Guess she's got that one pegged.
Simpson Noetic © 2006 Chaeli Lee Sullivan