Scintillating Aromas

My cousin visited earlier today and told me he was walking along, innocent as all get out, when a strange lady stopped him and asked: "Are you an Ultra Velva man?"

"She had all the right stuff, if you know what I mean," my cousin nodded sagely. "And for her sake I'd-a liked to be an Ultra Velva man, so I opened my mouth and said: "No. I'm a Brut."

"Her attention drifted away.

"Trying to reclaim it, I asked: "Hey! What does an Ultra Velva man got that I ain't got?"

"Her eyes, the color of a Chiquita bananas, were scanning the crowd. Briefly they flickered back in my direction while she said: It just feels better with an Ultra Velva man.

"With a swish of her skirt, she walked away.

"It was a Barnum and Bailey come-on, of course. If I'd-a said yes, she would-a replied: "Well, nothing comes between me and my Calvin Kleins."

"But at least we would-a been talking and I could-a asked her for a date."

My coz and I sat and talked about this. Commiserated over "the one that got away." Chewed the fat about different answers he could have made. It occured to us that a lot of coverage in the news lately, has described companies who hire decoys to advertize their products.

"Bring on the decoys," coz grinned. "For her, I'd even switch to Ultra Velva!"

'Humph,' I thought. Makes you wonder what feels better with a UV man.

If you're a Fear Factor contestant is a UV man really necessary? Or would you just bring him along so you'd feel better during the Cricket Crunching episode?

And what if two aromas collide like when a UV man stands next to your motorized air freshener? Having to throw a window open in February is not guaranteed to make you feel better.

If you're going through the airport scanners and your UV fellow's scent sets the alarms off, are you sure you will feel better with this guy?

You might consider backing away from a UV man and going for the Philosophy®'s Amen Man, instead. He probably doesn't need a crowd of women gangling after him, and, most likely, you'll find him helping elderly folks cross a busy street or acting as a good neighbor.

His aroma might not be as alluring but it might make you feel better.

I tried to convince my cousin of all this, but I have a hunch the next time I see him, he'll be the new Ultra Velva man.
Scintillating Aromas © 2005 Chaeli Sullivan