Over Easy

Who was the stupid idiot who first asked for: Eggs Over Easy? Whoever this fellow is, he has never battled with either a frying pan and spatula, nor a chicken. I know that for a fact.

If one approaches the chicken first as the source of the egg, and not as some would have you believe - otherwise, one knows immediately that getting the potential offspring of this squawking, wing-flapping bird is not going to be easy.

Locating the egg is your first immediate problem. Chickens are devious characters who often hide their pre-hatchlings which means that they have more gallavanting time to chase after the Brad Pitts of their neighborhood. In this respect, they have the right idea, for who wants to hang around the coop and egg-sit all day?

The barnyard diva can be miles away from the nest, but the moment you reach for one of her chicklets ( ah . . . hens tend to count their chickens before they hatch . . . ), she's all over you. And rightly so. For what mother wants to see her small fry end up in hot grease?

Assuming you have successfully schlepped the ovum from its rightful owner, the next step of this VERY DIFFICULT process of producing an "egg over easy" is removing the shell, a procedure which is fraught with danger.

If you cut your finger while trying to crack the shell, little spermatozoons, prematurely trapped when the case closed around them, may attach themselves to your bloody gash.

In the event that this happens, call an ambulance and let them rush you to the hospital's emergency room. Spermatozoons in bloody gashes are nothing to be fooled around with, so make sure you inform the doctor that this small cut on your finger is a major catastrophe because of the spermatozoons.

That may not happen, in which case, one merely needs to keep the yolk from nicking the jagged break in the shell. Splattered yolks do not "eggs over easy" make. If for any reason, the yolk does splatter, you will have to make chicken tracks back to the yard and talk to the hen who may attack you with foul language.

But that may not happen. There is a slim percentage of people who can crack a shell and get both the yolk and the albumen into the frying pan without breakage.

At this juncture, we must consider timing. You may think you're over the hump when you've gotten this far in the procedure, but if you're not careful your egg will be over the hill. Rather than cry fowl, time your cooking egg carefully.

Remove it from the grease at precisely THE RIGHT MOMENT. A second too long and you're back in the poultry pen with a very agitated pullet pecking at your appendages.

Beware of Spatula Interference when you transfer the egg to a plate. Spatula Interference is a common cause of the Broken-Yolk-Syndrome. Handle that flipper with care.

I would advise you to take particular note, at this point in time, to observe where you placed the egg shell while timing the egg.

If you have to rush the dense fellow who ordered "eggs over easy" to the emergency room, it's going to be difficult explaining to the doctor who handled your spermatozoon case about the need to dislodge egg shells stuck in this fellow's gullet.

But then, in the final assessment of this situation, anyone fool enough to order "eggs over easy" deserves to have these incredible edible chickabiddys stuck in his craw.
Over Easy © 2005 Chaeli Sullivan