Ain't Worth Peanuts

Blimey! My head's fit to bustin' a gasket. Must-a been those Georgia Gins workin' overtime. Took me three-'n-a-half dangblasted days to make the stuff and only an hour and twenty-six minutes to drink it.

The recipe called for three handfulls of peanut skins, ground to a fine powder. Now deskinning peanuts isn't as easy as you might think. Thems minature footballs will do a forward pass right through your fingertips if you don't employ a good linebacker defense.

And the fine powder bit is another bag of elephant feed. Ever try to grind peanut skins in a food processer? It's a major enterprise.

Realized right off, after about an hour or two, that a pestle and mortar would do a better job, which as you know means a trip to Target because no one in their right senses keeps a pestle and mortar sitting around handy on their kitchen counter in this day 'n age.

Evidently Target, Kosco and K-Mart don't see much of a need for pestles, either. They carried mortar but it was the wrong kind. Tried that big conglomerate Wal-Mart, too. They advised me to go to a pharm-a-cutical store. Whatever that is. Best I could figure out, it was some place that sold cuticle cutters for your farm animals. Knew I didn't need none of those.

It was a real head-scratcher til I remembered the wife's pepper mill. It's one of her fancy decorations for the supper table, mostly put there for snob appeal.

Since those snobs got most of us workin' for peanuts anyways, I didn't figure it'd matter much if a little mealy dust mixed with the seasoning in their mouths.

OK. So the rest of the recipe ain't gonna break your brain fixen it. Mix powder with ice in the blender and serve with gin.

The effect is minor cramps and let me tell you right now, don't use more than 72 dollars worth at a time or you may suffer unexpected consequences.

Shucks. I wish I felt better. I'd chase the Georga Gin with some fine ole Alabama Ladies. But my recipe calls for mutton hoof shavings and I'm just plumb too tuckered out to remember where that pharm-a-cuticle shop was.

Maybe next time, I'll start with the Ladies first and wrangle with the three handfulls of skin later.

Ain't Worth Peanuts © 2005 Chaeli Sullivan