E-mail Meditrics

I have it from reliable sources that Dade County opened a new hospital today, called Ambulatory Medical. The facility is right behind the Driving Range adjacent to the 18th hole on the scenic Seminole Country Club fairway.

This was welcome news, for more and more patients have noticed that doctors' offices are becoming obsolete. Practices are now established in the doctors' homes which are usually located close to the Country Club. This new trend has given rise to the terminology - homeopathy.

There are several reasons for this developing trend:
(1) It was too exhausting for doctors to make it into the office every day just to see a bunch of sick people.
(2) The Cadillac, Mercedes and BMW mechanics all went on strike simultaneously, and doctors were stranded at home waiting for the mechanics to resolve their differences, show up, and finish some minor engine repairs.
(3) E-mails are easier. They are so easy that there's a whole new branch of medicine dedicated to this new clinical advancement: E-mail Meditrics.

It all started innocently enough, with a busy doctor and a holocaust comptroller who had to be at the station to take incoming calls. So the Doc says: "I'll E-mail you regarding those meds." Better than a house call, eh?

Practicing medicine over the internet caught on like books in a school room. Everyone had to have one which led doctors and The Blue Cross and Blue Shield to consultations about fees. You didn't think those nice doctors were emailing you out of the goodness of their hearts, did you?

Nope! They receive thirty dollars per email. It's like a business man's lunch. As long as the email makes at least one reference to medical treatment, they receive thirty bucks. BLUE CROSS AND BLUE SHIELD are adamant about this. Doctors must limit their replies to appropriate topics in order to receive the thirty dollaros.

So! Doc Johnson's coming up on the 9th hole, has his golf club raised when his cell phone rings, completes the swing, and answers the call. His receptionist says there's an email from NBC's anchorman wanting to know if it's time to reduce the dosage of his cholesterol medicine.

Johnson emails from his cell phone: "Not Yet." Earns thirty dollars in two minutes flat and makes the 9th hole under par.

His associate asks: "What's par for the hole?"

"Oh, at five emails per hole for a round of 18 holes, par on this one is about $150." Johnson says. "By the time we get to the 18th, I'll have air-mailed a few balls, double-bogeyed the 10th, gotten Dolly Parton on the 17th and have made $2700.

Psst! The next time your Doc tells you that the convenience of online exchanges can be considerable, believe him, for he isn't just whistling: "PGA* Professional Tourniquet Tournament Championships."

*Physicians Golf Associates
E-mail Meditrics © 2005 Chaeli Sullivan