Secret Palaver

I tried not to think about it. I sincerely did.

Strangely, the more I tried not to think about it, the more I found it inside my head.

My brain revolved around it, chewed it to pieces, tossed it in the air, grabbed it back, shook it violently, stamped on it, kicked it around.

In a frenzy, I called everyone I knew trying to change the direction of my thoughts. Tune into their realities. Yet, the minute I cradled the phone, IT popped back into my awareness and the inner argument resumed.

Computor games are marvelous mind-numbing toys. I played endless games. JT's Blocks to be exact. Played til my eyes glazed, my stomach growled, my feet and legs slept, til my fingers cramped. Turned the computor off: Ah! Everything is OK now.

But no. Instantly, THE THOUGHT snuck into consciousness and, instantly, I began again, arguing my case.

Activity inhibits introspection. I walked, hiked, snowshoed, skied, ice-skated, bungy-jumped, saddled up the horse and rode like a demon, outpacing any coherent attempt to analyze until my innards curled up in protest: No More! Please! No more torturous exercise.

Physical exhaustion claimed my body. Sat down in the recliner, for a minute only, and it gripped my psyche. Sprang through the underbrush of capillaries and arteries like a pouncing tiger to claim my attention.

Try not to think about what you are thinking about. I dare you.

If you succeed, tell me, please: how did you accomplish this marathon feat of cerebral mastery?

You can find me sitting here, most days, trying not to think about it . . . .
Secret Palaver © 2006 Chaeli Lee Sullivan