Out Of Thin Air

Travel brochures are getting away with murder. Something must be done about this immediately before more low-land dwellers become comatose.

It is the responsibility of our federal government to protect its citizens and to warn the public of safety hazards which greatly decrease man's chances of survival.

FAGS, the Federal Administration of Geostatic Safety, is falling down on its job performance by not issuing a regulation demanding that all travel brochures be stamped with a neon-red decal which states: HIGH ALTITUDES CAN BE INJURIOUS TO YOUR HEALTH.

This would protect us from the dreaded: AIR-DEFICIENCY SYNDROME, which in the medical field is defined and based on alterations in human physiology.

What that means is: as low-land dwellers, we are optimally equipped for existence in areas where we can breathe.

An oxygen concentration of 21 percent is recommended.

At high altitudes oxygen saturation falls below ninety percent and illness is common. That "pure mountain air" the travel brochures advertise can be deadly.

This is a serious problem. It can cause HAPE *¹ and HACE *². Severe symptoms of these edemas include (but are not limited to) : not being able to breathe even while resting, coughing, high blood pressure, confusion and the inability to walk in a straight line.

Now, while it's quite all right to go around in circles while in the low-lands, doing so in areas of atmospheric air-out can cause internal combustion for which the only remedy is a portable hyperbaric chamber such as the Gamow bag.

After 1-2 hours in the bag, a person's body chemistry will reset to the lower altitude. HOWEVER, these bags can be quite expensive and bulky to transport when trudging uphill in mountainous regions while gasping for air.

Some high altitude conditions the brochures never tell us about are:

• 
  Oxygen is in such limited supply that it is rationed. You can purchase it at the local hardware store but make sure you bring a LOT OF EXTRA cash along. Inhalators are expensive.
• 
  Be especially cautious around dogs. Normally, vicious dogs alert us to their intent with a vicious bark. In the case of high altitude communities, however, the vicious dog's bark sounds more like peeling the skin off a yelp. If you have already contracted HACE and are wandering around in circles, the dog, who can't walk in a straight line either, adds to the confusion by uttering a pathetic yelp just before attacking.
• 
  Aerosol sprays won't vaporize.
• 
  Your escape vehical may become impaired. Cars, like humans, cough, sputter and die when their carburetors try to operate without proper air intake. Not only are the engines affected but car TIRES are eternally flat because: there is insufficient air pressure.
• 
  Since air lanes are in limited supply in alpine communities, there are few, if any, air-traffic controllers. As we all know, air-traffic controllers CONTROL the number of oxygen molecules per breath, ensuring increased delivery of said molecules to the blood and tissues in the body. Without these important officials authoritatively directing air traffic between constituent gases, oxygen and nitrogen the body is left to its own devices and becomes a victim of HVR, hypoxic ventilatory response.

Bad as all that may sound, there are some advantages of high altitude dwelling.

The bathroom scales automatically deduct 12 pounds from your previous weight. It's the easiest weight loss you will ever accomplish and there's no need to diet, for on arrival at altitude, one of the major consequences is loss of appetite.

You can fart as much as you like in alpine climes for without air pressure to carry the aroma, no one can smell the passing gas.

Inhabitants of high altitude towns are usually quite docile. No one blows a gaskit ( fear of squandering rationed oxygen) nor do they blow off steam ( without air, water won't vaporize) which makes for a very peaceful environment.

While these advantages (which are never mentioned in travel brochures) may seem ideal under normal circumstances, remember, when you are laying in a comatose condition, it's hard to appreciate them fully.

For myself, I'm going to ignore the travel brochures which tout the advantages of alpine mountain resorts and head for the seashore.

I may hyperventilate when faced by a shark but at least the FAGS won't list me as one of their recent microclimatic casualities.

*¹ HAPE: High-altitude pulmonary edema which affects the lungs.
*² HACE: High-altitude cerebral edema which affects the brain.
Out Of Thin Air © 2006 Chaeli Lee Sullivan