Appliance Fallacy

Appliances have never starred well on my favorite gadgets list. Rectangular pieces of unemotional metal don't kindle my embers at all.

So it really messed with my mind when a svelt chick wearing a high voltage impeccable dress, gushed: "I L-O-V-E American appliances."

What's to love about a machine? Cold, impersonal machines? The only time they're even remotely interesting is when they develop little personality quirks.

The ice-maker on my fridge door is a case in point. It develops quirks. Normally, it spits zirconium cubes out perfectly. Until company arrives. Then it malfunctions. Acts as if it's a miser hoarding his frozen water. The moment the guests depart? It spews forth a river of icy shards.

If it doesn't like my choice of friends, it should just say so. Then get on with its job performance. That way when I offer my guests a dry martini, it won't be quite so . . . eh . . . dry.

Speaking of personality quirks, all appliances should come with health care plans. Not a warranty, mind you. Everyone knows warranties are useless. As the watch ticks, exactly 7 minutes after a warranty expires, the appliance gasps and sputters, calls for its priest to perform last rites, and dies.

No. Appliances need a health care plan. One which covers even the terminally ill. That way they wouldn't have to suffer a mechanic's wrench in their gut. It's important to have a bit of dignity in the last years, don't you think?

The cog in the grist mill of this suave chick's statement about loving American appliances, is she's way off base. I hate to pop her balloon but there's no such thing as an American appliance. Hasn't been for years. Not since Walmart encouraged local manufacturers to shop abroad for their parts.

What this snazzy dame L-O-V-E-S is a Made-In-China-Sold-In-America appliance. She should just say so. But then, riveting chicks can get away with a lot of hype.

Bet she'd get along fabulously with my ice-maker. Which would tickle my innards. Cause then, we could get a dry martini chilled to perfection.
Appliance Fallacy © 2006 Chaeli Lee Sullivan