Classy Cabs

Skeptics who doubt our economic health should have been in Jacksonville Super Bowl weekend. The gold standard was alive and well. If you don't believe it, check out the limousine business.

Those nightclubs-on-wheels stretched from the south city limits clear north to the Nassau River with mood lights ablazing, flat screen TV's bouncing with Super Bowl frenzy and surround-sound like I haven't heard since neighborhood kids set off fireworks under my bedroom window.

It only took one stretch Bentley limo to cover that distance. The rest of the limos had to wait in line. It was easier for a hippo to go through Jersey traffic circles than it was for those yearlong limos to enter the Super Bowl parking lot. They should have been able to bend in the middle like a Slinky.

Most of the chauffeurs were in the hospital Monday after the game for repairs. The doctors made a fortune from Rubber-Necking Injuries.

In answer to one doctor's question: "How'd you get this disjointed condition?", Old Chauffy from Toppers Limo said: "Trying to keep an eye on traffic and simultaneously whip my head around to see what was going on in the back. The strobe lights interfere with the view. Sex is OK in a back seat, everybody knows that, but if the cops catch one of those celebrities doin' drugs, they confiscate the limo. Ain't going to risk a $135,000 rig for something like that."
The other chauffeurs agreed. Driving tizzied lounge lizards hungry for raw football is like a toothless tiger with a raw steak -- he can't chew but he sure can roar.

Rates on the premium rental models went for three hundred dollars an hour with a thirty-hour minimum plus a ten percent surcharge for the service fee. Let's see now, that's 30 times 300 equals $9000 times 10 percent times all the extra-dry Martinis (not counting the olives), not to mention parking lot fees and hotel accommodations plus the Super Bowl tickets . . . ah heck, you get my point. It's more than the $21 million Hewlett Packard just paid recently-dumped CEO Carly Fiorina in her termination package.

No Siree, those Classy Cabs don't come cheap, but they're packed jam full of gold-digger delights. So if you stayed home to watch the Patriots whup the Eagles on TV, you may have saved your bankroll, but you missed the ride of your life.
Classy Cabs © 2005 Chaeli Sullivan