Cardinal Mystery

If I had known the book was a murder mystery, full of violence, it would have sat on the bookshelves, unread, until all the world's glaciers had melted.

And possibly, not even then would I have read it, for let's face it, when all those glaciers melt there's going to be one heck of a flood. It's hard to read a water-soaked book while holding onto a log floating downstream.

Fortunately, I was blessedly unaware of its contents when I bought the book. Due to inflation, books now cost the equivalent of a mouthful of gold crowns, so once purchased, who can afford the luxury of not reading that sucker?

Thus, I put on my vulcanized hip-boots specially designed for wading through solid waste materials and read: "The Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown.

That was last winter. Imagine my surprise to see Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone's recent condemnation of this literary effort -- TWO YEARS -- after its first publication, and after it has sold nearly 25 million copies!

Now it is plain to see that Cardinal Bertone isn't an American. If the Roman prelates were American, they would never even consider such a sinful transgression of our First Amendment Rights. To ban any book is heretical and only ignorance would continence this shameful waste of paper.

Trees, world-wide, should unite and speak out in protest. They sacrifice their very lives for our erudition. Why isn't their union, Strong Timber Amalgamated, shouting from the rooftops about this injustice? Surely, a tree's sacrifice should not be in vain!

As it is the tree's duty to give life to books, so it is a citizen's moral obligation to leaf through these volumes, glean information, then make independent and educated choices about the content. Or, at the very least, view the movies which sequel the books.

My opinion of this book? The premise is well thought through, well researched, and very, very believable. It makes a strong case for the sanctity of marriage.

Would I read it again? Knowing ahead of time that it's a murder mystery?

The answer is yes. Only this time, I'm taking off the hip-boots. It's rather uncomfortable wading through a book swathed in vulcanized rubber. Besides, I might need them, later, for the Great Glacier Flood.
Cardinal Mystery © 2005 Chaeli Sullivan