The WhistleBlowers Satire and Other Ripe Parody

There's a new word making its way around the boards. It's name is: Anonymice.

I'm more familiar with the older version of this word: Gutless Wonder. But then, some thought that expression referred strictly to cars.

Anonymice. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? It's a word you can grab ahold of with your tongue and there's no confusion about what it means.

Mice, if you haven't deduced it yet, are cowardly critters. Their tail didn't grow that long without a lot of turning round and running. Theirs is not exactly a bushy tail, but close enough.

The hierarchy of micehood starts at the top, of course, and filters down through the ranks. It's known as double-speak, but don't quote me on that. I got it from anonymous sources.

It would be hard to be a politician in Washington these days. They're afraid to open their mouths.

"If I accidently speak the truth about current issues, I'll be in direct contradiction to the White House spin," said an anonymous source.

"Rumor has it," said another member of the A.S.S., Anonymous Source Society, "that the administration has provided a new room in the West Wing and as soon as it's fully equipped, we can all watch the fake news releases before we anonymously quote them."

"Yes," another A.S.S. member said, "invitations to attend these special viewings were sent to the Press Corps so they can state with authority that they have previewed the content before they affix their tagline: "As Reported by John Reliable News Reporter Handcock."

"Well . . . yes," I replied, "I can see your point of view. It's always more convincing when everyone's walking on the same platform. But what about foreign dignitaries? How are you going to put the White House Spin on what foreign leaders say when they are interviewed?"

"Oh, that's easy," said one elderly functionary who asked that his name not be used. "Just watch how our Leader handles that issue. Screen the audience so no one can spring a question requiring an honest answer. If you have to invite a foreign dignitary make sure it's one who doesn't speak English. Feed him a couple of talking points and have him repeat them endlessly. That way he'll be on the same page as the Chief."

Another A.S.S. member said, "Look young fellow, just think of it as a play where the main characters resemble Boosh and Eburs. They are both heads of major corporations. It's just that one's job title is more elegant and the other's job is now defunct. Both speak into the microphone: "I take full irresponsibility for the recent statements I didn't make. What you think you heard me say, wasn't what I said at all. My administration can back me up because they have seen the newest video release of the statements I didn't make and affirm I didn't say it, too."

The elderly statesman winked at me. "And you can quote me anonymously on that."

Anonymice. A grand old word. Even if it is new.

The Whistle Blowers Satire and Other Ripe Parody © 2005 Chaeli Sullivan