Christmas By Any Other Name

I was headed straight for the man in the red suit with a white tassel dangling from his cap, when the department store manager stopped me.

His smile was tighter than a bolt on a crank shaft. "May I help you find what you're looking for?"

"Thanks, but I'm on my way to see Santa."

It was apparent from the way his mouth puckered that he was hiding a sourball under his tongue. "We don't have a Santa in our store, Ma'am."

"Oh! But you do." I pointed to the man in the red velvet suit. "He's right over there."

"Excuse me Ma'am, but that's Quash Theism, our employee, who takes requests for The Holiday Season."

"If that's not Santa, why is that child sitting in his lap?"

"So Quash can hear the kid's Holiday requests."

"What kind of pediculus are you? Encouraging children to sit in strange men's laps?"

The manager wore a crisply-pressed power-suit which would never become rumpled, nor unraveled by the unexpected. "It's done every Holiday Season, Ma'am."

"No! It is not!" I replied with emotion. "No one encourages children to sit in strangers' laps during the holiday seasons of Easter or Thanksgiving. Only Santa Claus has this prerogative during the Christmas season."

"Sssh!" He hissed. "We don't mention the C-word here."

"Well, spell it with a "K" if the "C" in Claus bothers you." ( What kind of a fanatic was hiding behind those clean-shaven, all-American cheeks?)

A whisper is pretty hard to hear, but this chap managed to speak in a voice softer and more sibilant than steam gathering on a bathroom mirror. "Christmas, Ma'am. We don't mention Christmas here."

Normally, I avoid being center-stage in any drama, but this was too much! Stridently, I apostrophized my remarks to the gathering crowd. "I'm here to do my Christmas shopping. If you are selling Holiday items which are not CHRISTMAS gifts then you may keep your Quash Theism and your merchandise. I will shop elsewhere."

With rare flair, I waltzed out of that department store.

Trouble is: Where am I going to buy my Christmas presents?

I tried Sears and K-Mart. They're not selling Christmas presents, either. Next, I tried Wal-Mart and several other retail stores. HAPPY-HOLIDAY-SHOPPING, my aching snow boots. It's CHRISTMAS gifts, I'm after.

It's scary really, for if secular forces and the large corporations have their way, it's entirely possible that, soon, we'll be singing Festivity Carols as we decorate Jubilee Trees while our children share their secret desires sitting on Quash Theism's lap during Holiday Season. The stockings will be hung on Revel Eve, followed by a Testimonial Banquet on Gala Day.

Kind-a robs the Joy out of the Christmas Season, doesn't it?
Christmas By Any Other Name © 2005 Chaeli Lee Sullivan